Witnesses? I don’t need no stinking witnesses. I know me. But some of you may scratch your heads at my stories and say, “Wait…what?” So here we go!
I went out with a friend to happy hour the other evening and wanted to wear something…that’s…well…let’s just say something that makes me look good. Listen, when you’re a single gal in your midish 40’s, you ALWAYS put your best foot forward when you go out. Anywhere, ever. I don’t know what you all do, but I sure do. So anyway, all the fun was had, and happy hour came to a close, back home I go.
Earlier in the day I had gotten a Snapchat message from a very dear family from back home. I love this family so much, but it was their son that sent a photo of him and his sweet mom on a plane and they were in Miami. I didn’t even realize he had sent it. Thanks Apple, I just paid off my iPhone and suddenly it works like shit now.
Anyway, I use Snap because you weirdos shouldn’t see ALL of these shenanigans. Kidding. I haven’t posted anything in a very long time on that app. Just as I have neglected a lot of things in my life that bring me joy. And here we are…
So, I respond and asked where they were going. I know they love the islands, who doesn’t? And off to the Caribbean they were setting sail. But anyway, this sweet boy video chats me through Snap. I was thinking, shit, Barb, put your A game on. It was a very long happy hour. These folks have called me Barb for as long as I can remember. And here they are on my screen, and we are shooting the breeze, talking shit to each other, and just being general heathens about people we have crossed paths with. Not much has changed in what? 30+ years now?
So, we make plans to have dinner after they get off the boat and before they fly back to Indiana. I will travel 4 hours roundtrip to see them, a little bit of home just when I needed it the most. Crazy how life works.
I am midsentence in our face-to-face conversation, and I hear “plop.” Now it sounded like someone threw one of those sticky hands against a wall, you all remember those right? You put a quarter in the little red machine and out came this weird, plastic egg thing with the sticky hand inside. They were supposed to grab something far away but instead they picked up all the hair and debris and returned it straight to your face.
Anyway, I look down and start hysterically laughing. Like uncontrollable laughing and can’t stop. Paula says, “What’s happened?” Jim says, “I have no idea. She looked at the floor and just started laughing.” Paraphrasing of course, but if I get it wrong, they will tell us. They are all huddled on the couch together, 3 little faces eagerly awaiting to see what the hell is going on with me. It’s anyone’s guess really, at any time. I know who I am.
But moving on, my brand new pastie had slid right off my chest, down my body, through the bottom of my shirt and landed on my kitchen floor, or was that the living room floor? Both! Haha! That’s how RV’s work!
I laughed until it hurt, and I was crying, until I could gather myself enough to tell these guys what happened. Their faces crammed in the screen so they could figure out if I needed an ambulance or another drink. 😂 The latter. Dear god, please, the latter. After that bullshit.
Of course, I have no damn idea how technology works. That’s no shocker. I didn’t know how to turn the camera around, so I just turned my phone around and hoped for the best.
And there it was, one piece of sticky, protective nipple plastic on the floor right in front of me. Covered in hair and debris. Kidding. Maybe.
Fast forward…
I met up with these sweet souls after they disembarked. And the drive to greet them for dinner in Miami was super fun! Google Maps managed to get me on some “Expressway” that if you weren’t doing exactly 92.7mph, you were getting ran over. And then I couldn’t figure out how to get off of said “Expressway” because suddenly I was in the Indy 500. In Miami. In an Equinox. Fun.
I can only focus on one thing, living or getting off an exit ramp. You don’t get both. And I have zero sense of direction, so I stepped on the gas and let it ride! Vegas style baby!
I’m an idiot and will usually pass the place I’m going at least once. More like twice. I like to call those practice runs really.
Accurate.
But alas, I made it to my destination, paid an absurd amount for parking, I’ve got your $10 Jim, ordered a double glass of wine that I had to drink with 2 shaky hands and spent time with the best people on this planet. Thank you so much Peggy (the matriarch), Jim, Paula and Levi Kidder. And Jami and Shannon Gardner, you guys aren’t getting out of this that easy, I’ll see you two in December and more uber memories will be made! Can’t wait! Thank you to every one of you. It was so good to have a little bit of home here, if only for a little while. Everyone got crying hugs! My secret talent. A very special Sunday that came at a time that I didn’t know how much I needed it.
Photo Courtesy of Shannon Gardner because the rest of us are living in the ditches with Sarah McLachlan’s animals and our shitty older iPhones. Thanks dick.
What I meant to say was, Miami has a beautiful skyline…and that‘s about it.
