Most of you have met my dog Roxy. And some of you have even had the pleasure of meeting her older brother, Frank. For those of you that haven’t, he was a tiny Dachshund with a huge personality. I’d like to introduce you to him now, as I have never written any of the countless stories I have about this little asshole. And hopefully for the others of you, you can remember our love/hate relationship and your own stories about this guy.
As an adult, I had never owned a dog before. They come with all kinds of weird and interesting functions. For example, I was never able to leave food out for him because he would have weighed 100 pounds and we had already been through an extremely expensive butthole surgery, so I wasn’t going to double down on back surgery too. And, when he did eat, he ate anything that was in the general vicinity of his food bowl. Which included but was not limited to hair. Oh, gross, right? Now this was when my very long-haired middle sister Kelcy and I lived together, and she shed everywhere. At the time I had short hair and that’s why these events came as such a surprise to me, the shedding and the eating part. But NOTHING prepared me for what would happen when those hairs came back out of his tiny body.
Frank wasn’t a fan of cold weather. Or having to go out in the Indiana chill to take a crap. My house, my rules and you can’t shit inside my house. If you’re a dog. So, out he goes in the crisp fall air and assumes the position. Nothing unusual to report until he takes off like a bolt of lightning for the door. Was that something chasing him? Like a tiny mouse at the same exact speed and route he was taking? Nope, that was not at all what I was seeing. There was a turd sled dragging behind my little four-legged friend.
Like a majestic steed yoked by one long, thin strand of my sister’s hair. I imagine the tiny passengers aboard the turd whipping him with delight as they drive him closer to the door and out of the cold, as I slammed it shut right in his face. No way he was dragging that thing in my house. The first time this occurred, I stood in sheer amazement that something like this was even possible. And then, off to the bathroom I went for toilet paper to free the strand. All the while wondering how many of my neighbors witnessed this incident and if they found it as amazing as I did.
I wish I could say this was a one-time occurrence and I was given some award for a weird dog thing. But it wasn’t. To all my neighbors that had to witness the countless detaching of the turd sleds, my deepest apologies. I felt like a monster as much as I looked like one pulling something strange out of my dog’s ass on my front lawn.
